Waves of Depression and Tides of Hope

December, 2018
looking up at palm trees

Currently struggling against this tide of depression that is trying to drown me. I don’t want to wake up this way. I’m so tired. So, so tired.

It’s beautiful outside. I’m at the beach right now, but I don’t think the water is that warm. So, I’m sitting with my back against a palm tree. I found a semi-private spot with a bit of shade. Between the Señor Frog beach club and their massage area. The tide is coming in and the breeze is refreshing. Señor Frog has music pounding with the bass shaking the ground. The ocean sounds nice though. It does strike a little fear in me that I’m living by the sea. Tsunamis and hurricanes are scary. I am afraid of a lot of things that I never used to be scared of, but it doesn’t mean I will lock myself inside.

I am the harshest critic of myself. It’s like preempting anyone else’s judgment. The struggle that is most insidious at the moment is aligning my rational thoughts with my feelings. I’ve been feeling depressed. The classic symptoms: lethargy, lack of motivation, negative self-talk, fatigue.

Today depression came up again. Buoyed by shorter daylight filled hours, the negative number in my bank account, an unrelenting sick feeling of headache, stomach pain, and mainly my brain and body reverting to default state. Restlessness running through my veins, confusion resulting when fatigue meets it.

I’ve been accompanied constantly by a pit in my stomach. I don’t know why now, but it’s here and hanging around even with long walks and work and meetings and distracting myself with designing and watching TV. It just is not shaking.

It has been such a chronic issue in my life, some of it since I was a little girl. It’s entwined with my identity. I know it is not who I am, not really or at least not entirely, but I also wonder sometimes if I know who I am without it.

Also experiencing the rising tide of fears. I want to do things like go running, but I’m afraid. It doesn’t make sense. It’s like I don’t truly believe I can do it or that I even deserve it. It is a course of action I need to take if I ever want to continue healing. I have to connect with my body and become healthy by treating it well. It’s a process, I know, but it isn’t easy.

I am going to keep trying, without expectations of how it—this journey of managing my traumas and disorders and this path of healing—will unfold and certainly without preconceived notions of where these steps will lead me.


you might also be interested in

Finding Healing / Healing Journey

Am I Scared or Is It Grief? – Uncovering the Sad Feeling

June 18, 2022
Depression / Inside Depression

Depression Is My Monster

Finding Healing / Personal / Self-Advocacy

I Deserve Respect

Inside Depression / Mental Illness Stigma / Symptomatic Sensations

Sometimes I Feel Ashamed of My Mental Health

Finding Healing / India / Memories / Personal Discovery / Travel Moments

Counting the Hours to Counter the Fear

1 Comment

  1. Chosura on January 14, 2018 at 3:03 pm

    Thank you. I can relate and think…. being at the ocean would help. 🙂 c

Leave a Comment

Join the mailing list.

No spam and we will never share your information.

Something went wrong. Please check your entries and try again.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number. The numbers listed here are the commonly used numbers for the stated region, the numbers can vary greatly depending on where you live. If you don't know your country's equivalent to 911, this wiki page and The Lifeline Foundation have comprehensive listings.



The Americas





112 & 999



112, 999, 110



112, 911, 999, 111, & 000


Find help for a crisis by texting, calling, or chatting online with these free crisis organizations. Looking for one outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

Crisis Text Line
Text: “HOME” to 741741

Suicide Lifeline
Text: “ANSWER” to 839863
Call: 1-800-273-8255

Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Child Abuse Hotline

The Trevor Project
Text “START” to 678678

These online and international resources may help you anywhere you are located. Looking for local support outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

DV Support Abroad
Call toll-free worldwide

I'm Alive Virtual Crisis Center
Live chat with trained volunteers

Crisis Connections
24/7 crisis support with interpretation in 155+ languages