What is this Feeling? Fear of Contentment?

Age: 29

I want to know if thoughts about suicide are common for other people to have. I am not wanting to or having urges, but thoughts about it happen a lot. I’ll be on the sidewalk and a bus is coming and I will think about an alternate universe where I choose to step out in front of the bus. Or jump in front of a train. Earlier at the park I looked at a tree and saw me hanging from a high thick branch.

I still don’t like speaking of it, of this fear, I don’t want people to become intrusive about me. I don’t want the worry of people who don’t understand because they’ve never felt this way. Either I have few boundaries or too many. All or nothing. I feel impulsive and crazy, but I do not want to die anymore. I don’t always want to exist, but I do not want to die.

It doesn’t make sense, but when things aren’t fucked up, something feels wrong. Too much happiness begins to feel uncomfortable.

It isn’t about deserving life, a feeling I sought. I wanted, needed, confirmation that I was worthy. Life isn’t determined by worth. No one gets a score. Life just goes along and I can at least be in it. There is no one undeserving. We’re just here. Some causing more damage than others. Sometimes I am some and sometimes I am others.

I no longer believe that I have to pick a side or that I have to figure it all out. I used to see a pebble and that pebble is all I could see. Alice in the rabbit hole, seeing the world out of proportion. Tiny but like the first domino, causing the collapse. I don’t do that and I don’t pretend to hold it together either. I don’t have to, I can’t, and that’s ok.

I don’t really believe in meaningless happenstance anymore. Each experience, or lack of, creates the conditions of your life. Perhaps one misstep won’t change the course of your life, but one choice can guide the direction you grow in.

The cliff is still uncomfortably close to where I stand. Look over the edge. Vertigo. I’m wobbly on my feet but I don’t fall in.

What am I afraid of?

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