Digging to Roam

Weeding Out Anxiety

January 2018
landscape
overhang-tape-scotch-png-3
overhang-tape-scotch-png-4

When the things I enjoy drift away from me, it is never on purpose. I don’t consciously self-sabotage when I’m at the brink of achieving a goal, it just kind of happens. Sometimes, when you think you have a fantastic handle on things, that’s when your grip can slip. Maybe that’s the mistake? To believe that it is possible to have a handle on everything. I only have two hands to hold onto those monkey bars and not the best upper body strength.

I was forced to admit that I couldn’t hold on shortly after I began turning my passion into my job by jumping in as a “real writer.” Everything feels different when you take the step to turn passionate art into profitable income. At least it does for me. When I wrote in my journals, I was never concerned about anyone’s approval. So much so that there is some juicy shit in those notebooks that I hope never reaches the light of day. Writing and work used to be distinctly different.

I always liked having a traditional job. My first job was when I was 13, I filled in for a few weeks as the office administrator at a mortgage company. Future jobs hovered around one of three occupations: childcare/teaching, computer work/design, and hospitality. It’s fun to work as a team and satisfying to know you’ve done your job well. I thrive on a schedule of going to work and coming home and leaving my work at work. I didn’t have a job I truly despised until I lived in Scotland, and the job was short lived and really bizarre (I spent most of the time crying in the stock room while taking hideously tacky clothing out of plastic bags, don’t ask, I don’t want to talk about it).

When I moved to Argentina, I needed to find a way to work from home because I didn’t speak more than a few words of Spanish and the job market in Buenos Aires was not awesome. Plus, unbeknownst to my conscious-self, I was beginning to experience extreme feelings and exhibit disruptive behaviors that were symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Symptoms that made me fearful and got in the way of living a normal life. Writing allowed me to pay (some of) the bills and I didn’t have to worry about a panic attack at work.

Deciding to write for a living didn’t come out of the blue, it is what I have always wanted to do in some capacity. As a student at Mount Holyoke College my major was self-designed and titled writing and anthropology. The shift from in-person jobs to writing probably felt less dramatic than it was because I had made the even more dramatic decision to move to a different continent (again).

I found myself living in Buenos Aires, chasing work as a freelancer, and drinking more and more to cover up and excuse away the traumas that had begun to show themselves in my emotions and through my reactions. I didn’t have a job with other people where I could forget about myself for eight hours. I had to create tasks for myself to complete, there was no one paying me to fulfil a certain duty, it was all on me and there was too much alone time.

It presented another element I didn’t anticipate, finding out that I cared a lot about what other people thought of me. I was under the impression that I didn’t care what other people thought of me. I realize now that I didn’t care what other people thought of the controlled persona I presented to the world. Or the uncontrolled but still surface level things that people often gossip about. I didn’t care if people thought I was ridiculously awkward or if they rolled their eyes because I couldn’t (and still can’t) dance worth a shit. I didn’t give a fuck if someone was secretly judging my clothing choices or the fact that I always spill food on myself. I did not care.

I was funny, in person. When I acted ridiculous, I felt safe in the laughter. Humor really is a kind of armor. I put it on to turn myself into an invincible warrior who deflects negativity with LOLs. When I write, I’m not putting out a funny-persona. There doesn’t seem to be an equivalent kind of armor for when you want to also express the other parts of yourself, or at least it isn’t an innate ability for me. I was afraid of sharing my pain with others myself being hated by others. Perhaps that is where a lot of my anxiety was living, in the fear of the most vulnerable parts of myself being picked apart and judged.

How could I do this work when I was so afraid of criticism? How could I speak openly about my feelings when I was dampening my emotions with alcohol? I lost my voice in the shuffle. I forgot how to bring ideas to fruition. I constructed a wall to stop my words from crossing the threshold of mind to paper. My voice ran so far away that I lost the will to transcribe even the random ramblings of my brain into a journal. A journal! This coming from someone who spent her life filling up dozens and dozens of diaries.

It was a perfect storm. I was completely incapacitated. It was not the worst time of my life, but it was the most difficult because I couldn’t do what I knew I needed to do. I couldn’t even get myself to do what I wanted to do. All I could do was what I didn’t want to do, which was drink and harm myself.

I allowed a seed of anxiety to grow and take roots in other parts of my psyche. It is kind of like when a tree brings water up through its roots to nurture itself, only in a much more fucked up and non-poetic kind of way. Instead of water it drags up hard memories and instead of nurturing life it’s been fueling fear.

That seed grew into an anxiety plant more terrifying than Seymour’s Audrey Jr that would wreak havoc on my brain. I grew up with a garden, I know it is not easy to get rid of invasive weeds once they take hold. I will from here on out call my terrible description of an anxiety plant, Kristin Jr, for no other reason than I’m not the biggest fan of being called Kristin instead of my real name (honestly, how hard is it to just add the “ce”/”ss” sound to the end of that? That’s a rhetorical question). Unlike Audrey Jr, Kristin Jr didn’t have to whisper in my ear, because she was already inside my brain.

When she was just teeny tiny, she probably had a positive purpose. Reminding me to be aware of my surroundings, you know, like intuition and common sense. Then she got real cocky and started thinking her job was more important than any other job in the entire body. She started making me think that trying was too risky because failing would be too painful. Infusing almost everything with fear and feelings of anxiety. As if I couldn’t make it without her.

Deciding to give sobriety a try was been me formally calling her bluff. I said it here first, she is going down. Accepting responsibility for choices that made difficult situations even more difficult is not easy, but I thank god/goddess/G-d/Universe that I went through that. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to work on this and I have another shot at life.

These past few years have been just the beginning. I’ve rolled up my sleeves and I’m digging in. If I want to really transform this soil I will have to go for the roots of Kristin Jr and see what she’s been feeding on. So here I am, in all my honesty and contradictions, just like everyone else. And it’s a wonderfully confusing place to be.

digging in,

Crisis Help USA
Emergency
Virtual & International
Crisis Help USA

Find help for a crisis by texting, calling, or chatting online with these free crisis organizations. Looking for one outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

Crisis Text Line
Text: “HOME” to 741741

Suicide Lifeline
Text: “ANSWER” to 839863
Call: 1-800-273-8255

Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-422-4453

The Trevor Project
Text “START” to 678678
1-866-488-7386
Emergency

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number. The numbers listed here are the commonly used numbers for the stated region, the numbers can vary greatly depending on where you live. If you don't know your country's equivalent to 911, this wiki page and The Lifeline Foundation have comprehensive listings.

Americas

911

The Americas
Europe

112

Europe
Africa

112 & 999

Africa
Asia

112, 999, 110

Asia
Oceania

112, 911, 999, 111, & 000

Oceania
Virtual & International

These online and international resources may help you anywhere you are located. Looking for local support outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

DV Support Abroad
Call toll-free worldwide
1-833-723-3833

I'm Alive Virtual Crisis Center
Live chat with trained volunteers

Crisis Connections
24/7 crisis support with interpretation in 155+ languages

4 Comments

  1. chosura on January 23, 2018 at 12:08 pm

    Thank you for continuing to share your life and process, Kristin Jr.! You are brave and strong and vulnerable just like me. 🙂

  2. Katie Featherstone on January 22, 2018 at 9:41 am

    Hey Kristance, Thank-you for your honesty. I also have that niggling seed of anxiety when I’m doing something I love and putting it out there for people to criticize. I can’t bare to publish my art-work online at all and the blogging is pretty difficult. You write really well, are educated in an interesting field and have a great sense of humor. I don’t think people will ever heavily criticize your writing and even if they do, there are idiots on the internet and everyone knows that- they are entitled to an opinion, but they won’t be backed up by the majority. Thanks for sharing the post and I hope you can squash the doubt.

  3. Alice on January 22, 2018 at 8:25 am

    Dear Kristance, it was a joy to see Digging To Roam pop up on my email today. It explains why you’ve been “absent” for a stretch. It’s obvious to me that you’re a deeply sensitive and honest writer; we need voices like yours to remind us that we are more than the sum of our parts; that our business is to reach beyond what is easy and safe; in fact, to use Gene Roddenberry’s words; “to go where no-one has gone before.” We may not be able to explore the Universe in a star ship, but we can explore the sacred space within. And you will.

  4. Rose L. on January 22, 2018 at 8:02 am

    Your writing should always be mostly for yourself. I had wondered why you had not posted but understood as I, too, sometimes go for lengths without appearing. We are different in what we post, and I enjoyed seeing the world and reading of your experiences through your words. Just do what works for you!

Leave a Comment





Join the mailing list.

No spam and we will never share your information.

Something went wrong. Please check your entries and try again.