Digging to Roam

Alcoholic and Spiraling Towards Bottom

Tuesday, Spring, Age: late 20s
Solo Tree Black and White
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As therapy was ending yesterday, I started crying a lot. It’s just, I’m trying so hard but I can’t change the way my brain thinks. I can act different, but I don’t feel different. Sometimes I do, but most of the time I just feel like this.

Exhausted. Angry at myself. I’ve been drinking every single day for like a week. I know why I’m doing it. Without something to confuse my sense, I don’t have to deal with this internal struggle. Everyone asks “why” “why” “why” and I don’t know why. I just feel it, I just feel really tired. I just feel torn and broken. I just am down. There is no one reason or if there is I don’t know what it is. I can’t stop lying to everyone about everything. I can’t explain it.

I want no one to care about me. I want to feel. I want to rebel. Or maybe I want to exist in a vacuum of solitude. Perceptions altered by drugs or something.

I don’t know what I’m doing. Why I make the choices I do. Why I think the things I do. I make these crazy choices contrary to how I consciously think. It’s like I know I shouldn’t drink and I know I should be honest. I know I should be working my ass off but I can’t seem to make any headway. I feel like a leech.

I just feel like I’m standing in the way of my own happiness. I really don’t even understand who I am. I certainly don’t accept myself. I wonder all the time if other people, if most people, find it this difficult to reconcile who they really are with what they think they should be and what they think others think of them. It is so confusing.

As is the expanse of my vision. The possibilities, endless possibilities…that I can’t seem to grab.

Why do I make choices that create a challenging life for myself? Why can’t I just try to enjoy the simple things without critiquing their value. Why can’t I relax? Who the fuck am I? What do I want? Where am I going? Where will I end up?

It’s horrid, after one drink I feel more positive. How fucked up is that?

No one knows what to say. This rut is easy, but it is painful.

Why am I so fragile?

Cracking

b r o k e n

spaces that can’t be filled

pieces don’t fit together

flood it with chemicals

hide my fear

hide it

dream it

Nightmares

SCREAM

my name doesn't matter anymore,

Find help for a crisis by texting, calling, or chatting online with these free crisis organizations. Looking for one outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

Crisis Text Line
Text: “HOME” to 741741

Suicide Lifeline
Text: “ANSWER” to 839863
Call: 1-800-273-8255

Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-422-4453

The Trevor Project
Text “START” to 678678
1-866-488-7386

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number. The numbers listed here are the commonly used numbers for the stated region, the numbers can vary greatly depending on where you live. If you don't know your country's equivalent to 911, this wiki page and The Lifeline Foundation have comprehensive listings.

Americas

911

The Americas

Europe

112

Europe

Africa

112 & 999

Africa

Asia

112, 999, 110

Asia

Oceania

112, 911, 999, 111, & 000

Oceania

These online and international resources may help you anywhere you are located. Looking for local support outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

DV Support Abroad
Call toll-free worldwide
1-833-723-3833

I'm Alive Virtual Crisis Center
Live chat with trained volunteers

Crisis Connections
24/7 crisis support with interpretation in 155+ languages

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