Digging to Roam

I Hate Having Depression

Age: 20-Something Years Old
depression kristance
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My depression is really bad lately. I find everything meaningless. I don’t even feel happy in a quiet bit of nature. I fucking hate having depression.

I am really lethargic to start my day. It takes me a long time to wake up, especially when I have nightmares that pull me back into them. That has been happening a lot recently.

Even without nightmares it’s difficult to get up, I feel so tired. When I finally force myself up, I am still exhausted. It isn’t like powering through is an option right now.

I start feeling better in the afternoon, sometimes late afternoon, today around 4 I started feeling marginally less pathetic.

Why do I have to be this way? Am I incurable? I have learned to act fine for other people. I’m not being fake, but I am holding back. I act “fine” by not talking about the depths of the daily struggle. I let others believe that I’m a little better than I really am. I let on that I’m a little tired while I yawn to cover up the tears and say I didn’t sleep well to explain away the persistent fatigue. I thank them for their well-intentioned advice and agree with their ill-advised perspective on depression.

I don’t tell them that I hate myself. I don’t tell them that I have had a hole in my heart my entire life and that I’m not sure it will ever be filled. Sometimes I stay away from people because I don’t have the energy to pretend. I believe that putting out the energy of my sorrow is bad for the people around me. So, I keep it to myself. Mostly, I’m honest, I just don’t divulge the extent of the truth.

I don’t want to be that miserable friend who everyone gets a little (or a lot) fed up with because can’t or won’t try everyone’s ideas for feeling better. I’m sorry. I am so tired. Feeling this way is terrible. It is not me being in a bad mood. I’m not just burned out or sleep deprived. My whole body aches. My soul is bogged down. My brain can’t see clearly. I can’t be the anti-stigma fighter that I want to be because how can I inspire people when I am so miserable? There is something wrong with me. Will I ever be happy? I hope so, but maybe life for me won’t be very joyful. I might always walk in a gray world with the weight of depression slowing my pace. Why is depression so heavy? I don’t know.

I don’t know why I’m writing anything at all right now. I don’t know why I do anything I do. I don’t know why I always fall back into depression. Or why I treat myself so poorly. I just want to not be so exhausted. I want to not be so anxious. I want to sleep through the night. I don’t want my face to look like this, all picked to hell because I can’t stop my dermotillomania (aka compulsively picking the fuck out of my skin).

I want to stop the inner dialogue that tells me I am not good enough. The inner voice that echoes all the awful things anyone has ever said to me and the things people never said but I imagined they wanted to. I want to be able to have a plan and follow through. I want to enjoy where I live, I want to enjoy my life and not be crippled by fatigue and anxiety.

And I can’t tell anyone these feelings that I have because they will all think I’m looking for sympathy and being whiny. Like that it is ridiculous to feel like that. I know it is, but I still feel like that. So, these thoughts are just inside.

later,

Find help for a crisis by texting, calling, or chatting online with these free crisis organizations. Looking for one outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

Crisis Text Line
Text: “HOME” to 741741

Suicide Lifeline
Text: “ANSWER” to 839863
Call: 1-800-273-8255

Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-422-4453

The Trevor Project
Text “START” to 678678
1-866-488-7386

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number. The numbers listed here are the commonly used numbers for the stated region, the numbers can vary greatly depending on where you live. If you don't know your country's equivalent to 911, this wiki page and The Lifeline Foundation have comprehensive listings.

Americas

911

The Americas

Europe

112

Europe

Africa

112 & 999

Africa

Asia

112, 999, 110

Asia

Oceania

112, 911, 999, 111, & 000

Oceania

These online and international resources may help you anywhere you are located. Looking for local support outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

DV Support Abroad
Call toll-free worldwide
1-833-723-3833

I'm Alive Virtual Crisis Center
Live chat with trained volunteers

Crisis Connections
24/7 crisis support with interpretation in 155+ languages

10 Comments

  1. Sara on October 27, 2019 at 9:18 pm

    I am having a lot of the same thoughts right now. Can’t get out of my own head. Racing thoughts. I can’t even be truthful with my psychiatrist about how low I am feeling.

  2. Anonymous on July 31, 2019 at 10:22 am

    At least you still have friends bro. Recently I’ve seen my lifelong friends and I mean 10+ years slowly loose interest in me and I think they don’t even like me now. I loathe myself. Before everything went bad I had a crush on this girl and 2 years down the line I only recently found out the she liked me back. But I was too scared to do anything about it and I hate myself for it. Over time I watched her loose interest in me and we stopped talking. I don’t know if this is just puberty but I need things to get better or I don’t know what will happen. I spend my time at home studying and being bored out of my mind. The other day I let it all out but I usually can’t cry no matter how much I want to I just lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. I’m sorry man I hope it gets better and sorry I just needed to let that out. Anyone who sees this I would appreciate some support. Thanks.

    • Kristance Harlow on July 31, 2019 at 4:06 pm

      Hey, thanks for your honesty. Depression is hard and it comes in a lot of forms. My depression started off when I was around 10, and I didn’t know what the hell was happening. I was just so sad and depressed and spent the next 15 years in and out of depressive states. I found that being honest about my feelings to someone helped me, but it’s hard when you’re a kid and have to rely on adults to find you support. I asked my parents for help when I was around 14 and they didn’t believe me that I needed it. I didn’t get into therapy for the first time until I was maybe 17 and could afford it on my own thanks to a part time job. And dude, puberty is a TOUGH time in life. You are not alone in that, really. Hormones are going nuts and social shit is confusing and feelings are intense. It’s hard. But it can and DOES get better. Hold onto a glimmer of hope that it can change and you will pull through. It’s ok to be struggling and to just lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Depression isn’t your fault and doesn’t say anything about your character. I can tell you, from my life long battle with this illness, it gets better. It gets a lot better. Keep reaching out and I hope you find the support you need, be patient with yourself and others. Sending you good vibes.

  3. Ana on February 24, 2019 at 10:33 pm

    I completely understand. I hate how without medication all these feelings exist. I just want to be normal. Be happy without having to take medicine.

  4. Chris on February 12, 2019 at 6:56 pm

    Dosent matter how hard i try to be happy my mind won’t allow it .excersices does it for a short time but i sink back into a low mood its a nightmare.people say cheer up but it’s not that simple.

  5. Lawrence Ferrell on January 8, 2019 at 9:11 pm

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and struggles with depression. It is significant that your experience is similar to that of hundreds of thousands if not millions of others worldwide. We are a group of real individuals. Our struggles and goals are things we have in common. If you feel as you say, then I must be OK. There are too many of us for it not to be OK to have depression. It hurts for now, but not for forever. Don’t give up! Continue to look underneath every stone you encounter on your journey. You just may find what you are looking for!
    Lawrence

    • Chris on March 10, 2019 at 6:03 pm

      Nice sentiment Lawrence. I struggle with self-worth and depression, and I like how you said that there’s “too many of us for it not to be ok to have depression”. Thanks

  6. Laura Hardin on September 15, 2018 at 8:23 am

    I feel the exact same way at times. I’m in a depression funk right now. I’ve had depression all of my life. I take Effexor. Initially it worked well but now I just take it to maintain (very hard to come off of). I have no energy, no motivation, don’t feel like getting out of bed and showering. Life looks so bleak.

  7. chosura on March 7, 2018 at 12:28 pm

    Geez, can I relate! I’m sorry for all of us! It is truly not easy. At least you still have friends. 🙂 And I don’t know what else to say. I keep thinking a lot of money would fix much of it. Anyone out there with lots of money who lives like this, too? I know. I know. Supposed to be positive. Stretch for the good stuff like being alive? I don’t really want to die because I still have hope. And I am truly grateful for Kristance and the brutally honest but so helpful and what I consider positive sharing….seriously. it does help. I mean. It can be humorous at times the way we feel?

    • Kristance Harlow on March 11, 2018 at 12:28 pm

      It is definitely not easy! But healing is easier when I share and talk about my experiences. The depression always comes back, but it also always goes away. If only depression was about something as “simple” as money. It definitely could reduce some of the stresses that can trigger downward spirals, but depression is a mental illness and not just a situational condition.

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