20-Something Years Old
My depression is really bad lately. I find everything meaningless. I don't even feel happy in a quiet bit of nature. I fucking hate having depression.
I am really lethargic to start my day. It takes me a long time to wake up, especially when I have nightmares that pull me back into them. That has been happening a lot recently.
Even without nightmares it’s difficult to get up, I feel so tired. When I finally force myself up, I am still exhausted. It isn’t like powering through is an option right now.
I start feeling better in the afternoon, sometimes late afternoon, today around 4 I started feeling marginally less pathetic.
Why do I have to be this way? Am I incurable? I have learned to act fine for other people. I’m not being fake, but I am holding back. I act “fine” by not talking about the depths of the daily struggle. I let others believe that I'm a little better than I really am. I let on that I'm a little tired while I yawn to cover up the tears and say I didn’t sleep well to explain away the persistent fatigue. I thank them for their well-intentioned advice and agree with their ill-advised perspective on depression.
I don't tell them that I hate myself. I don't tell them that I have had a hole in my heart my entire life and that I'm not sure it will ever be filled. Sometimes I stay away from people because I don’t have the energy to pretend. I believe that putting out the energy of my sorrow is bad for the people around me. So, I keep it to myself. Mostly, I'm honest, I just don’t divulge the extent of the truth.
I don't want to be that miserable friend who everyone gets a little (or a lot) fed up with because can't or won't try everyone's ideas for feeling better. I'm sorry. I am so tired. Feeling this way is terrible. It is not me being in a bad mood. I'm not just burned out or sleep deprived. My whole body aches. My soul is bogged down. My brain can’t see clearly. I can't be the anti-stigma fighter that I want to be because how can I inspire people when I am so miserable? There is something wrong with me. Will I ever be happy? I hope so, but maybe life for me won't be very joyful. I might always walk in a gray world with the weight of depression slowing my pace. Why is depression so heavy? I don’t know.
I don’t know why I’m writing anything at all right now. I don’t know why I do anything I do. I don’t know why I always fall back into depression. Or why I treat myself so poorly. I just want to not be so exhausted. I want to not be so anxious. I want to sleep through the night. I don’t want my face to look like this, all picked to hell because I can’t stop my dermotillomania (aka compulsively picking the fuck out of my skin).
I want to stop the inner dialogue that tells me I am not good enough. The inner voice that echoes all the awful things anyone has ever said to me and the things people never said but I imagined they wanted to. I want to be able to have a plan and follow through. I want to enjoy where I live, I want to enjoy my life and not be crippled by fatigue and anxiety.
And I can’t tell anyone these feelings that I have because they will all think I’m looking for sympathy and being whiny. Like that it is ridiculous to feel like that. I know it is, but I still feel like that. So, these thoughts are just inside.
05 March 2018
By Kristance Harlow