Digging to Roam

take only pictures

leave only footprints

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 True talk: I always hear people say (who go to AA or NA or Alanon or really any 12 step group), “I feel better just being in the room. It’s one hour of the day I know I can be ok.” For me, I don’t feel better instantly. I feel the little girl inside come forward, she’s an emotional part of me, and she wants us to disappear. To hide. To avoid being seen so we won’t get in trouble. Then I will speak up to share, and she calms down and the feeling subsides. Sometimes I leave a meeting and feel momentarily worse than before I went. I’m not sure if I’ve ever said that out loud before today. Why do I keep going? Because I’m playing the long game. I never learned to take care of myself, so I default to seeking solace in instant gratification. I’m impulsive and compulsive. I am changing and working towards changing my relationship with the universe. I don’t go to meetings to feel good right now (although that’s an awesome bonus I often receive), I go to meetings and work the program/s because I want to live a stable life in which I feel content. I can see it working in my life outside of the meetings. I want my emotional ups and downs to be less intense. I want to learn how to process my traumas and the traumas of my ancestors. I don’t want to be controlled by my mental illnesses. It’s not about surviving anymore, I want to thrive while doing it. : : 🦸‍♀️ : #caribbean #selfcare #selflove #recoveryisworthit #honesty #mentalhealthawareness #ptsdawareness #cptsdrecovery #soberlife #mentalillness #sobriety #writersofinstagram #whyidoit #recoveryispossible  Even more wedding pics! @yeyita90  My date is the photographer.  After walking around Tulum Mayan ruins in the pouring rain, Alejandro decided to use his mom’s selfie stick to take weird angles close up shots. At least my sunglasses are kinda dope! Also the rain was amazing, the day was so hot that the sudden downpour was super refreshing. Plus it was warm rain. We were all dry in less than 30 minutes after (thanks Caribbean sunshine! : : : : #wanderlust #mentalhealthawareness #ptsdawareness #ptsdrecovery #cptsdrecovery #soberlife #sobriety #recoveryisworthit #recoveryispossible #domesticviolencesurvivor #cleanandserene #kristance #diggingtoroam #tulumruins #tulummexico #rivieramaya #expat
 Last week I was in Buenos Aires to see my hermanita, mi cuñadita, get married. We were there for two weeks and for 2/3 of the trip I was out for the count and even had to go to urgent care - chills, fever, uncontrollable cough, fatigue, bronchitis and an infection. The wedding was at the very end of our trip, so I only had a few lingering symptoms. It was a classic late night Porteños wedding that started at 8:30pm and lasted until 6 in the morning. There was a DJ and a band and dancing and sooo much food. I was worried I wouldn’t make through the night. There were wild flashing lights, fake smoke/fog, and I could feel the beat of the music in every part of my body. It had my PTSD on edge. I even threw up at one point. Yet, despite that, I made it through the whole evening and I enjoyed it. How? I used the tools I’ve gathered in recovery. I took breaks. I stepped outside. I sat down as much as I needed to. I asked my husband to hold my hand when I felt ungrounded. I said no when I couldn’t anymore. I said yes when I could. I danced when there were fewer people grooving. I stepped away when the fake smoke overwhelmed me. I said no to alcohol and yes to chocolate. Recovery is a process and it is a lot of work, but holy hell is it worth the effort. #onedayatatime #recoveryisworthit #ptsd #ptsdawareness #mentalhealthawareness #mentalillnessawareness #survivor #cptsd #mentalhealth #sobriety #soberlife #argentina #wedding #positivevibes #itworksifyouworkit #cleanandsober  @yeyita90 Wedding photo shoot BTS (via @bloomingpineapple and @alebonzo)  Hey ocean. #caribbean #playadelcarmen #ocean #blue #bluewater #bluesky #sea  Breaking news! This dog is ridiculously adorable. Those ears! It’s too much! : : : #playadelcarmen #dog #dogsofinstagram #instagramdog #instadog #rescuepup #rescuedog #pupster #rivieramaya
 When I first got sober, I listened to the book #TheUniverseHasYourBack by @gabbybernstein and when I meditated on a symbol that the universe was using to get my attention, the sign that stuck with me was a #butterfly. I’ve been back in #BuenosAires for a week, only have a week left, and I’ve been terribly sick the entire time. I had to go to urgent care, I’ve barely been able to eat, I have been extremely fatigued, fighting a fever that keeps returning, and struggling with a plethora of other uncomfortable symptoms. I finally got outside today, if only to walk to the store to see if I could find food that the mere thought of eating wouldn’t make my stomach turn. On my way, I came across this breathtaking #streetart near my in-laws. I stopped dead in my tracks as I remembered it is my #sign . And I remembered that the universe has my back, which is honestly something I often forget or outright don’t believe. I’m grateful that this time, I remembered that I’m a survivor, and will keep on surviving. Unfortunately , being sick this vacation has come along with some really icky emotional repercussions, like extra sensitive reactivity, depression, and agitation. But this butterfly was there to tell me, “You are doing the best you can, and that’s pretty amazing, so relax and rest. It’s ok to not be ok.” . #mentalhealthawareness #mentalillnessawareness #ptsd #cptsd #traumasurvivor #dvsurvivor #mural #ptsdawareness #soberliving #sobriety #recovery #depressionawareness #itsoktonotbeok  And wedding videos! @yeyita90  Cozumel feels : : : : #caribbean #blueskies #cozumel #cozumelmexico #dontfeelliketaggingshit  Love this guy. And love being sober and in recovery. Yes, all the hard work is worth it. : : : #ptsdawareness #surviveandthrive #traumarecovery #rivieramaya #sober #recovery #recoveryisworthit #mentalhealthawareness #mentalillnessawareness #traumarecovery
 From far away I thought this was a pony, boy did I feel like an ass when I got closer...🤓 #sorrynotsorry #punsfordays #argentina #elcampo #ass #donkey #punlife #provinciadebuenosaires #animals #farm  @yeyita90 wedding snaps by request!  Flashback Friday. No, not like my PTSD flashbacks (it’s funny because it’s true)! Tulum is such an awesome place, I love the ruins. : : : #ptsdawareness #blueskies #clouds #tulum #tulumruins #tulummexico #caribbean #ruins #archaeology #wanderlust #rivieramaya #getoutside #seetheworld  On the ferry to COZUMEL! : : : #love #cozumel #caribbean #ferry #boat #marriedlife #sobrietyisworthit #rivieramaya #soberlife #recoveryisworthit #ptsd #mentalhealthawareness
 Beach living. Gorgeous day. THIS is why I live in the Caribbean ☀️ #caribbean #playadelcarmen #positivevibes #vitamind #blueskies #aelfie #selflove  What a beautiful wedding. Love this couple!  Slide through for the panorama of Cozumel. What I loved about this beach is how there were so few people there! And this stretch of beach didn’t have much of the Sargasso seaweed stinking up the place. : : : : #sargasso #sargazo #sargassum #cozumel #mexico #expat #wanderlust #landscape #panorama #ocean #beach #sobrietyisbeautiful #recoveryispossible #recoveryisworthit #mentalhealthawareness #ptsdawareness #ptsdrecovery #mentalillnessawareness #cptsdrecovery #caribbean #blueskies  I did a thing today! Kinda cut off all my hair and dyed it for the first time ever. I just went and did it. I’ve talked about it forever, I’ve thought about it for even longer. But I just never would do it, fear of spending money on myself, fear of judgment, fear of so many things. But for today I feel joyful and I’m sober and for today I can make choices and live life. It’s just hair! I walked around for an hour looking for a salon, found one but it was too expensive, and just when I decided maybe today wasn’t the day, I turned a corner and found a little unassuming place that was calling my name. Walked in and asked for someone to chop off my hair. Then I was like, “Mmm, ok, ahora un tinte por primera vez.” I let them pick a color and we did the damn thing. I couldn’t be happier. - It might seem like the smallest thing, getting a hair cut, but since developing PTSD and even before that as someone who has had a lifelong struggle with depression, this is a big deal for me. Making decisions is extremely challenging, I don’t trust my own opinions or my own intuition. Even deciding what movie to watch can be an anxiety inducing saga. I have had my hair cut professionally once in the last 5 years, until now, I feel light and free. The heat and humidity and my piles of hair were too much to handle and now I feel empowered. Funny how the tiniest things, like a freaking haircut, can have the greatest impact on your sense of self. - I’m here for it. : Chicos, si ustedes quieren, yo puedo escribir mi postas en español también. Diceme! : : #haircut #dyedhair #cutoffmyhair #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalillness #ptsd #depression #ptsdawareness #ptsdrecovery #cptsd #traumarecovery #smallchanges #motivation #playadelcarmen #mexico #pasarelasalon #soberlife #sober
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