If you are hopeless, want to give up, or are contemplating suicide. Please take a minute to read this and call someone. You aren't alone.
Dear One of a Kind You,
I know very things to be true. I know that the Earth spins around the Sun. I know that everyone experiences the world through their own cultural perception and their lens are skewed and unique to them. I know that while people may be selfish in their immediate experiences, most people are just doing their best at any given moment. I know what it is like to want to give up, and I know what it is like to not give up. I know the world needs you. We need you.
You do know how to feel alive. Maybe it’s never lasted very long or it doesn’t seem that a Joyful You has ever truly existed. Contentment can happen in an instant. A moment is all it takes. It’s feeling like you don’t need anything more than what you have in this moment. There is nothing more to ask for, at least not during the time it takes to breathe in and out, because your cup has enough. It is enough to just breathe. Contentment is a general sense of peace because you accept this moment for all that it is and all that it is not.
You and I have gone through a lot of shit and waded neck high in muck. We’ve both tried to hide it and be strong in our own ways, to just make it work.
I just wanted to disappear for huge portions of my life. Depression can do that to a person. I didn't want to exist in a world full of people who didn't know what it felt like to see in shades of sorrow. Sometimes I still don't. I have experienced suicidal urges and thoughts, and that part of my story I have been hesitant to talk about. For you, I am willing to lay my truth bare so you know that you are not alone.
You aren't alone, I know what it feels like to want to end it all. To sabotage every opportunity and to throw away every blessing, for a drink, for sorrow, for anger. To confuse turmoil inside me with turmoil everywhere. To be so afraid of everything that I was too afraid to stop drinking.
The exquisite pain is, in itself, addicting. Feeling like a failure can grate on your mind and emotions. Not living up to the expectations you think were put on you can feel awful and escaping by punishing yourself feels deserved. I know. I've been there, sometimes I am still there. But I see light too, there's more. You are more. You are incredible, and not a failure in any way. You are not a loser. You are not a fuck up. We all make choices, and some lead us down crazy paths, but that's why there are turn offs to roads that can bring us to better locations.
I believe in you. I always have. I don’t want to lose you. Don’t try to figure out why or how the future will unfold, you can’t get there unless you let your story move forward.
You do know how to feel alive. You are not this person who knows not what joy feels like. Remember.
Do not believe that you are only the sorrow you may be feeling. Or that your existence reaches only to the edges of the pain you have been trying to hide. You are so much more and yet so much less, in the most beautiful way possible.
Each day I make a decision to choose life and I think life has chosen me, too. These days I can laugh loud and honestly. I get in fits of laughter I can't stop, over the silliest most mundane things, it is a kind of joy I thought I had lost in trauma and time. Today, you can choose life, too. I already know life has chosen you, because you are reading this.
You aren’t alone. You don’t have to go through this feeling alone. Ask for help and be willing to accept it if it comes. You are stronger than you know and more incredible than you believe.
I know you may still want to give up, but I hope you choose to stay because I want to walk through the darkness into the light with you.