Dissociating Is Being Stuck In My Head and Not My Body

Age: My whole life
landscape
overhang-tape-scotch-png-3
overhang-tape-scotch-png-4

I’m struggling right now. A whirlpool sucked me under and spat me out at the back end of a riptide. Instead of swimming diagonal towards the shore and away from the tide, I’m bobbing up and down in the water and fruitlessly struggling against the current. I am here but I am also on the shore, and I need to get back there. I can’t say anything. He wants me to tell him if I’m ok and I am trapped in my head, but not in my body. I can’t move my eyes to look into his. I cannot ask for help. This is the nightmare I’ve had hundreds of times.

This is the dream when I need to scream, but I can’t even whisper for help.

Didn’t you know time is not a straight line? Sometimes it goes backward. Sometimes my mind is in a different place than my body. I can’t tell you when it happened for the first time, but I know what it was like. I read somewhere that flies perceive time differently than humans. What we think of as lightning fast reflexes with a fly swatter is like bullets in the Matrix to Neo as far as the flies are concerned. I know the feeling; I’ve experienced the sliding of hourglass grains of sand in slow motion.

When I was a kid, I would become disconnected from time as I was used to it. The world would be moving too fast and too slow at the same time. Everyone’s words were on fast forward, but their movements were in laboriously slow motion. Lying in bed, I would wrap myself around a teddy bear as the walls expanded away from me. I grew even smaller and the real world separated from me. I’d close my eyes and pray to be brought back into myself.

Dissociation — that’s what I’ve been told is the term for these reality-morphing events.

Keep reading on Ravishy…

...

you might also be interested in

Finding Healing / Healing Journey

Am I Scared or Is It Grief? – Uncovering the Sad Feeling

June 18, 2022
Depression / Inside Depression

Depression Is My Monster

Finding Healing / Personal / Self-Advocacy

I Deserve Respect

Inside Depression / Mental Illness Stigma / Symptomatic Sensations

Sometimes I Feel Ashamed of My Mental Health

Finding Healing / India / Memories / Personal Discovery / Travel Moments

Counting the Hours to Counter the Fear

Leave a Comment





Join the mailing list.

No spam and we will never share your information.

Something went wrong. Please check your entries and try again.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number. The numbers listed here are the commonly used numbers for the stated region, the numbers can vary greatly depending on where you live. If you don't know your country's equivalent to 911, this wiki page and The Lifeline Foundation have comprehensive listings.

Americas

911

The Americas

Europe

112

Europe

Africa

112 & 999

Africa

Asia

112, 999, 110

Asia

Oceania

112, 911, 999, 111, & 000

Oceania

Find help for a crisis by texting, calling, or chatting online with these free crisis organizations. Looking for one outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

Crisis Text Line
Text: “HOME” to 741741

Suicide Lifeline
Text: “ANSWER” to 839863
Call: 1-800-273-8255

Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-422-4453

The Trevor Project
Text “START” to 678678
1-866-488-7386

These online and international resources may help you anywhere you are located. Looking for local support outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

DV Support Abroad
Call toll-free worldwide
1-833-723-3833

I'm Alive Virtual Crisis Center
Live chat with trained volunteers

Crisis Connections
24/7 crisis support with interpretation in 155+ languages