Depression, Sensitivity, and Effort

Age: Late 20-something
Street Art Face with Mouth Covered

How do you avoid losing everything? Don’t let yourself have anything to begin with.

Sometimes I get these ideas of grandiose plans. Nothing big, but just like a surprise or a last minute spur of the moment thing to do. For someone else that idea is not such a big deal, so they will probably say no to it. They make plans all the time, they always have options of things to do, so canceling or saying they can’t isn’t a big deal. They don’t know the effort it took for me to try and create a special moment.

I’m living in a constructed life. I suppose we all are. Or maybe not, maybe that is the lie I tell myself.

My sensitivity is ebbing and flowing, without the emotional outbursts I am used to, my sensitivity comes out in bizarre circumstances. It starts to creep over into all aspects of my life, instead of coming out in an energetic and passionate frenzy. I find it slowly leaks out, like a ripped paper cup, dripping from the bottom. Emotional outlets are trapped. Dams that don’t quite overflow, sometimes they break.

Where is the inspiration I used to have? Writing for such specific things all the time is a creative drain. I want to explore the lyrics of the written word. Transfer soul dances into writing, a Technicolor experience given by me to you. I don’t have the words, I am lacking the unique combinations of ideas and words to write beautifully all the time. I stare for hours at the computer screen, all day every day, barely finishing the articles I need to keep this household afloat. Perhaps that is why I feel like I’m drowning. I’m lacking freedom again, but in a much different way. The kind of freedom you lose when you become responsible.

It feels weird to be an adult and sometimes feel like the same emo child I once was. The kid who would look at the gray clouds in Oregon and write about the tears falling from a dark sky. Of course we never really grow up and out of who we are. We are who we are, it just evolves. We evolve. We change.

Ok, bye,

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