Feeling Depressed Is Different Than Being Depressed

crying woman
overhang-tape-scotch-png-3
overhang-tape-scotch-png-4
Feeling Depressed is Different Than Having Depression

When I was a freshman in college, during a bout of severe depression I wrote in my journal, “In all reality, it’s no big deal, what is a big deal is my crazy reaction and emotional response. I mean, GROW UP KRISTANCE!! Cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it. Right? On the other hand, it bothers me — but it’s STUPID to bother me. I think I’m choosing for it to bother me…”

I blamed myself for feeling sad. I spent hours upon hours in the library doing nothing but convinced that I could will myself to study or to finish that paper.

No matter how much I denied it, it was obvious that I was depressed.

I hated it. I hated me. My loneliness didn’t seem fair. I was sitting in a beautiful library, at an incredible college, surrounded by life, academia, and success.

Mental health is complicated. While stressful situations can exaggerate or even bring on mental illness, life circumstances do not determine whether or not someone will have a mental health issue like depression. Depression is one of the leading causes of disability in the world, at any given time an estimated 300 million people are living with depression.

When depression is at the helm, inspiration seems to evaporate. It can feel like being in a dark cave from which there is no escape. I can hear people outside the cave yelling at me to emerge from my den. A desire to leave the cave does arise from time to time, but finding the exit is too arduous a task.

I know it can be confusing when someone you care about is improving and then suddenly appear to be in the depths of depression again. 

They can be going to therapy, taking the right medication, and doing all the “right” things and then wake up one day and struggle to get out of bed. It is not easy to watch a loved one go through it. I don’t blame them for not knowing what to say. I don’t blame them for always asking the same question, “Why are you depressed?”

No matter how good I start to feel, the melancholy of my depression always comes back. Without rhyme or reason, it returns to me. The self-loathing and the feeling of not wanting to be in my body. It always comes back. Guilt for feeling happy, that comes back. I begin to again feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself and my words and my actions. My motivation is drained from my body and. The tools I’ve learned in therapy and twelve-step programs become inaccessible. The only thing I can do is stare, and if I’m lucky or not too far gone, I can write about it. I also ask, “Why am I depressed?”

Continue reading the full article on Ravishly

you might also be interested in

Finding Healing / Healing Journey

Am I Scared or Is It Grief? – Uncovering the Sad Feeling

June 18, 2022
Depression / Inside Depression

Depression Is My Monster

Finding Healing / Personal / Self-Advocacy

I Deserve Respect

Inside Depression / Mental Illness Stigma / Symptomatic Sensations

Sometimes I Feel Ashamed of My Mental Health

Finding Healing / India / Memories / Personal Discovery / Travel Moments

Counting the Hours to Counter the Fear

1 Comments

  1. Alice Lynn on May 25, 2018 at 8:54 am

    This is an amazing article! You are so brave, all of you, who struggle with this unseen but life altering condition. I think I understand depression better than I did from my college classes on the subject. Thank you.

Leave a Comment





Join the mailing list.

No spam and we will never share your information.

Something went wrong. Please check your entries and try again.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number. The numbers listed here are the commonly used numbers for the stated region, the numbers can vary greatly depending on where you live. If you don't know your country's equivalent to 911, this wiki page and The Lifeline Foundation have comprehensive listings.

Americas

911

The Americas

Europe

112

Europe

Africa

112 & 999

Africa

Asia

112, 999, 110

Asia

Oceania

112, 911, 999, 111, & 000

Oceania

Find help for a crisis by texting, calling, or chatting online with these free crisis organizations. Looking for one outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

Crisis Text Line
Text: “HOME” to 741741

Suicide Lifeline
Text: “ANSWER” to 839863
Call: 1-800-273-8255

Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-422-4453

The Trevor Project
Text “START” to 678678
1-866-488-7386

These online and international resources may help you anywhere you are located. Looking for local support outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

DV Support Abroad
Call toll-free worldwide
1-833-723-3833

I'm Alive Virtual Crisis Center
Live chat with trained volunteers

Crisis Connections
24/7 crisis support with interpretation in 155+ languages