39 Excuses for Not Drinking

Not everyone wants to disclose alcoholism, so what can you say to make people leave you alone? There are a lot of options—from the hilarious to the somber.

Basics

Most people don’t care about other people’s choice of beverage. For these lovely folks, a basic response should suffice for when they have asked you more than once.

1. “No, really no, thank you.”
2. “Nah, I’m good.”
3. “I’m not drinking right now.”

Get Awkward

If you’re anything like me, you enjoy a good uncomfortable and awkward moment. It can be the best comedy fodder for dispersing tension in a room. To capitalize on the awkward, try one of these responses:

4. Laugh loudly, pause for a moment too long, continue laughing, abruptly stop laughing and solemnly declare, “No.”
5. Stare at them in silent confusion, laugh loudly, then pat them on the back as you walk away continuing to laugh.
6. “It gives me runny shits.”
7. “No thanks,” pause before continuing calmly, “The gas produced in my intestines by alcohol is something no one should experience.” Pause again and end with a dignified, “Really, it’s quite horrifying.”
8. Tilt your head in exasperation, “Hashtag, ain’t nobody got time for that.”