Digging to Roam

Trying To Understand Anxiety

Age: 2 years sober
choices
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I don’t know if I’m actually overwhelmed or just shy. Everyone is chatting, or dancing and I am not doing much of either. Some great one on one conversations, but mainly only when someone approaches me. Maybe I’m not wanting to dance because I just don’t want to, or I am trying to be proactive in preventing a possible trigger, or maybe I am afraid of being embarrassed. I’m not sure.

Part of me feels fine, then part of me wants to just space out to block out the noise and lights. I wish Alejandro was here, but he was too tired, which I understand. A car alarm is going off, cars driving behind me, a live band. people dancing. A lot is happening.

I know I am feeling like this right now and I will not feel like this later. I will probably try to retract all these statements because there are certain things I don’t like to remember. I lie compulsively about stupid shit. The kind of stupid shit no one would ever remember I told them one way or another. Saying I ate breakfast when I didn’t. A lot of the time it’s an attempt to appease people and make them feel more comfortable with who they imagine me to be. I don’t even mean to do it, it just happens. Maybe I don’t believe that my truth is valuable.

I second guess everything that I choose to do. No matter what it is. If I want to watch a movie, what do I watch? If I want to write an article, I can’t because I second guess my efforts and ideas. Everything.

When I paint my nails, I can hardly pick a color. I want to use them all. It’s the same when I’m deciding what to eat or draw or edit or write or watch. With too many choices, I can’t make one. I don’t think I’ve always been so indecisive, but I certainly am now. I think so much about my options that I give myself a headache. It is overwhelming and ridiculous. I don’t stress this much over big decisions like moving to another country on another continent. Why can’t I chill out and just do something? I’m just trying to understand anxiety.

I’ve always sought extreme change and even when I did research and figured out the pros and cons, I still chose extreme paths that no one seemed to understand let alone approve of. I sought constant change, afraid of getting comfortable and having it all ripped out from under me. That comes from a place of fear. So much fear and ego. A lot of ego. I wanted to sculpt my life in a certain way. I still do. I’ve always felt a need to resolve conflict immediately. The anxiety of an unresolved conflict is too much to handle. And since that isn’t possible most of the time, I run away. I hide from the people and places that bore witness to the conflict.

I know one of the many reasons I used to drink, because it loosened my decision-making inhibitions and I didn’t obsess over my choices. Until I drank too much. Even though it’s hard to feel these feelings, the truth of my experience is that it is much less than painful now than when I was only masking the sorrow and self-hate.

i'm done,

Find help for a crisis by texting, calling, or chatting online with these free crisis organizations. Looking for one outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

Crisis Text Line
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The Trevor Project
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If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number. The numbers listed here are the commonly used numbers for the stated region, the numbers can vary greatly depending on where you live. If you don't know your country's equivalent to 911, this wiki page and The Lifeline Foundation have comprehensive listings.

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