Age - 1 month sober
Learning to tell the truth
I am on the subway, headed to therapy. Before I tried getting sober, there were multiple times when I lied that I went to therapy and instead just went to the water and did nothing. I’d sit there, usually drink some cheap booze and maybe write in this journal. I am actually going to therapy now.
But I’m nervous. I am still nervous to tell the truth. I just want to sweep my problems under the rug and act like they aren’t real or that they’ve been taken care of. I'm never honest one hundred percent of the time. when I am, and people strongly oppose my choices or ideas or desires, I don't know how to process it, I take on other people's emotions too much and when they have the negative opposition energy, how do I process it?
I am always with some problem; whether it is mental or physical. Headache or nausea or depression or exhaustion. All the feelings are real, I'm not making anything up about my feelings and thoughts. The little lies that I know usually are lies are things like denial of the past, or lying about whether or not I bought a candy bar at the store. I don’t know why I lie about those things, at least I don’t know right now, but I can’t seem to stop doing it.
I've always been a liar though. I keep secrets and bury the shame. I make up stupid lies or feign idiocy to lie by omission. I feel like a fraud. As if someone will find me out. The first impression I give is really good and when I can’t maintain it I feel awful. I am always afraid that when people get close to me, they will “find me out” but since joining a 12-step group I’ve learned that other people feel this way too.
I feel less lonely when I keep fewer secrets.
Lying so often feels like the easy way out, but I've been learning the hard way that honesty is the only way to face demons and beat them. To learn from the shit in life and to handle the pain of the world, to see the good things and not just the bad. I think I’m living a good life now, but I do get scared that I’m just in denial and soon will be faced with reality.
I am learning to tell all, lay my truth on the table, because the good things in my life have only come because of honesty and the bad was repeated because I kept secrets.
I am only as sick as my secrets. Living out loud and with honesty must be better than living multiple lives. It is scary to let go of secrets.
Before I had dropped anchor and refused to move despite having picked a badly situated location. A location prone to storms and extremely tumultuous waves but refusing to move, too afraid to try something new lest it be worse than the current hurricane. Being honest in therapy and group meetings, is me testing calmer waters. Like pulling up the anchor and sailing out of the storm.
26 December 2017
By Kristance Harlow
Journal Journeys is not being published in real time, unless otherwise noted, they come from past experiences to talk about stigmatized topics: mental illness, addiction, domestic violence. If we fear we cannot speak about it, then the shame will keep us from seeking help when we need it most.