Digging to Roam

Learning To Be Honest

Age: 1 month sober
Waving the white flag
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I am on the subway, headed to therapy. Before I tried getting sober, there were multiple times when I lied that I went to therapy and instead just went to the water and did nothing. I’d sit there, usually drink some cheap booze and maybe write in this journal. I am actually going to therapy now.

But I’m nervous. I am still nervous to tell the truth. I just want to sweep my problems under the rug and act like they aren’t real or that they’ve been taken care of. I’m never honest one hundred percent of the time. when I am, and people strongly oppose my choices or ideas or desires, I don’t know how to process it, I take on other people’s emotions too much and when they have the negative opposition energy, how do I process it?

I am always with some problem; whether it is mental or physical. Headache or nausea or depression or exhaustion. All the feelings are real, I’m not making anything up about my feelings and thoughts. The little lies that I know usually are lies are things like denial of the past, or lying about whether or not I bought a candy bar at the store. I don’t know why I lie about those things, at least I don’t know right now, but I can’t seem to stop doing it.

I’ve always been a liar though. I keep secrets and bury the shame. I make up stupid lies or feign idiocy to lie by omission. I feel like a fraud. As if someone will find me out. The first impression I give is really good and when I can’t maintain it I feel awful. I am always afraid that when people get close to me, they will “find me out” but since joining a 12-step group I’ve learned that other people feel this way too.

I feel less lonely when I keep fewer secrets.

Lying so often feels like the easy way out, but I’ve been learning the hard way that honesty is the only way to face demons and beat them. To learn from the shit in life and to handle the pain of the world, to see the good things and not just the bad. I think I’m living a good life now, but I do get scared that I’m just in denial and soon will be faced with reality.

I am learning to tell all, lay my truth on the table, because the good things in my life have only come because of honesty and the bad was repeated because I kept secrets.

I am only as sick as my secrets. Living out loud and with honesty must be better than living multiple lives. It is scary to let go of secrets.

Before I had dropped anchor and refused to move despite having picked a badly situated location. A location prone to storms and extremely tumultuous waves but refusing to move, too afraid to try something new lest it be worse than the current hurricane. Being honest in therapy and group meetings, is me testing calmer waters. Like pulling up the anchor and sailing out of the storm.

Find help for a crisis by texting, calling, or chatting online with these free crisis organizations. Looking for one outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

Crisis Text Line
Text: “HOME” to 741741

Suicide Lifeline
Text: “ANSWER” to 839863
Call: 1-800-273-8255

Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-422-4453

The Trevor Project
Text “START” to 678678
1-866-488-7386

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number. The numbers listed here are the commonly used numbers for the stated region, the numbers can vary greatly depending on where you live. If you don't know your country's equivalent to 911, this wiki page and The Lifeline Foundation have comprehensive listings.

Americas

911

The Americas
Europe

112

Europe
Africa

112 & 999

Africa
Asia

112, 999, 110

Asia
Oceania

112, 911, 999, 111, & 000

Oceania

These online and international resources may help you anywhere you are located. Looking for local support outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

DV Support Abroad
Call toll-free worldwide
1-833-723-3833

I'm Alive Virtual Crisis Center
Live chat with trained volunteers

Crisis Connections
24/7 crisis support with interpretation in 155+ languages

1 Comment

  1. William Lynn on December 20, 2017 at 9:22 am

    Another great article. I think there comes a point when if you’re not careful though that you can write and write until you write yourself out of existence. That in all honesty is my problem.

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