Digging to Roam

Contemplating the Unspeakable

Age: 20-Something
Journal doodle
overhang-tape-scotch-png-3
overhang-tape-scotch-png-4

If you are contemplating suicide, please seek help. You are worth life and you are not alone.

1–800–273–8255

I hate admitting this, it’s unspeakable, and writing it down makes it even more real. I’ve been thinking about killing myself a lot. If I didn’t know the horrific trauma that death causes on the people who love the dead person, I think I’d have done it already. I think I’d have done it already. But my death could have disastrous consequences for some people. Not many, but a few. But then again, maybe not. Maybe it would end up being a relief in the long run.

No more emotional outbursts. No more worry. No more concern about the bad choices I make. And the pain of trying to walk through a world I don’t know how to navigate. I’ve looked up the most painless ways to die. Thought of jumping in front of a train. Throwing myself off the balcony. I don’t think I’ll do it.

I cut myself on my leg. On the arms, I drew blood. Feels like practice for the pain if I ever decide to slit my wrists or my neck.

Later…

Cut my arm again and also my leg. Drew blood. It’s like a way to control pain. I feel way too much. It hurts, but I made it hurt on purpose so it’s controllable. Self-inflicted pain is a reminder of life. It is a way to keep me here. I realize that by cutting myself, to the point that I feel pain, I remember that I am alive. Otherwise I just panic to distract myself from the anguish.

Light flickers throughout the room. The television is on. It’s animal planet on and tigers are fighting. I turned the sound off a long time ago.

I’m hoping my glass magically gets vodka added to it. I should have bought two flasks, not just one.

The cuts on my thighs are bleeding. It takes a few minutes for them to show up after I drag a sharp knife across my skin. The upper thigh is a pretty safe place to do it. Most clothes cover it up (besides bathing suits) and there is so much skin and fat I won’t slice to deep and make that move that I can’t take back.

How do other people make it through?

When mortality stares you in the face? Whispers in your ear to let you know life is over and the world will spin without you and everyone you’ve ever known and loved and given everything to care for will move on from your memory.

The next day…

I’m alive and that is a big deal.

 

These experiences are shared to help us all talk about stigmatized topics: mental illness, addiction, domestic violence. If we fear we cannot speak about it, then the shame will keep us from seeking help when we need it most.

I'm going to make it,

you might also be interested in

Find help for a crisis by texting, calling, or chatting online with these free crisis organizations. Looking for one outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

Crisis Text Line
Text: “HOME” to 741741

Suicide Lifeline
Text: “ANSWER” to 839863
Call: 1-800-273-8255

Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-422-4453

The Trevor Project
Text “START” to 678678
1-866-488-7386

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number. The numbers listed here are the commonly used numbers for the stated region, the numbers can vary greatly depending on where you live. If you don't know your country's equivalent to 911, this wiki page and The Lifeline Foundation have comprehensive listings.

Americas

911

The Americas

Europe

112

Europe

Africa

112 & 999

Africa

Asia

112, 999, 110

Asia

Oceania

112, 911, 999, 111, & 000

Oceania

These online and international resources may help you anywhere you are located. Looking for local support outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

DV Support Abroad
Call toll-free worldwide
1-833-723-3833

I'm Alive Virtual Crisis Center
Live chat with trained volunteers

Crisis Connections
24/7 crisis support with interpretation in 155+ languages

2 Comments

  1. Alice Lynn on December 13, 2017 at 12:43 pm

    I hope this is a literary and psychological article and not a reflection of your state of mind or actual deeds. I am alarmed. Please quiet my fears!

    • Kristance Harlow on December 13, 2017 at 1:00 pm

      This is not my actual state of mind currently. I am 31 now, so this is the far past. It’s meant to combat stigma by exposing what so few people talk about.

Leave a Comment





Join the mailing list.

No spam and we will never share your information.

Something went wrong. Please check your entries and try again.