Digging to Roam

What is this Feeling? Fear of Contentment?

Age: 29
landscape
overhang-tape-scotch-png-3
overhang-tape-scotch-png-4

I want to know if thoughts about suicide are common for other people to have. I am not wanting to or having urges, but thoughts about it happen a lot. I’ll be on the sidewalk and a bus is coming and I will think about an alternate universe where I choose to step out in front of the bus. Or jump in front of a train. Earlier at the park I looked at a tree and saw me hanging from a high thick branch.

I still don’t like speaking of it, of this fear, I don’t want people to become intrusive about me. I don’t want the worry of people who don’t understand because they’ve never felt this way. Either I have few boundaries or too many. All or nothing. I feel impulsive and crazy, but I do not want to die anymore. I don’t always want to exist, but I do not want to die.

It doesn’t make sense, but when things aren’t fucked up, something feels wrong. Too much happiness begins to feel uncomfortable.

It isn’t about deserving life, a feeling I sought. I wanted, needed, confirmation that I was worthy. Life isn’t determined by worth. No one gets a score. Life just goes along and I can at least be in it. There is no one undeserving. We’re just here. Some causing more damage than others. Sometimes I am some and sometimes I am others.

I no longer believe that I have to pick a side or that I have to figure it all out. I used to see a pebble and that pebble is all I could see. Alice in the rabbit hole, seeing the world out of proportion. Tiny but like the first domino, causing the collapse. I don’t do that and I don’t pretend to hold it together either. I don’t have to, I can’t, and that’s ok.

I don’t really believe in meaningless happenstance anymore. Each experience, or lack of, creates the conditions of your life. Perhaps one misstep won’t change the course of your life, but one choice can guide the direction you grow in.

The cliff is still uncomfortably close to where I stand. Look over the edge. Vertigo. I’m wobbly on my feet but I don’t fall in.

What am I afraid of?

Find help for a crisis by texting, calling, or chatting online with these free crisis organizations. Looking for one outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

Crisis Text Line
Text: “HOME” to 741741

Suicide Lifeline
Text: “ANSWER” to 839863
Call: 1-800-273-8255

Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-422-4453

The Trevor Project
Text “START” to 678678
1-866-488-7386

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number. The numbers listed here are the commonly used numbers for the stated region, the numbers can vary greatly depending on where you live. If you don't know your country's equivalent to 911, this wiki page and The Lifeline Foundation have comprehensive listings.

Americas

911

The Americas

Europe

112

Europe

Africa

112 & 999

Africa

Asia

112, 999, 110

Asia

Oceania

112, 911, 999, 111, & 000

Oceania

These online and international resources may help you anywhere you are located. Looking for local support outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.

DV Support Abroad
Call toll-free worldwide
1-833-723-3833

I'm Alive Virtual Crisis Center
Live chat with trained volunteers

Crisis Connections
24/7 crisis support with interpretation in 155+ languages

Leave a Comment





Join the mailing list.

No spam and we will never share your information.

Something went wrong. Please check your entries and try again.