Digging to Roam

Depression Isn’t Weakness, But I Don’t Feel Strong

Age: 30 years old
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Depression is not a weakness, but right now I don’t feel strong.

Depression is clawing her way back into my consciousness. Usually she dwells in a spot hidden away, and when I put her back she stays there for a while. This time, it’s like the lock is broken and she is not staying put. I can’t sleep, but I’m exhausted. I feel the weight of the pain with every step. I walk in slow motion, each movement a struggle against the paralyzing depression.

I was feeling okay, well, remarkably better than yesterday and better than I felt in weeks. Now, only at 3:30 in the afternoon, it is fading. I don’t want the feelings of contentment to go away.

I detest myself again. I don’t want to hate myself so much, but I do. I am so tired and the fight is hard. It is too hard. It makes me want to give up. Why does this self-hate come back and why can’t I stop it?

Sometimes I will just act happy or hopeful to get other people to stop trying to make me feel better. Can’t force depression away. It’s like my brain refuses to listen to reason.

Someone says, “You need to get out of your own head.”

I hear, “You are self-centered and talk about yourself too much.”

I feel the emotions of the thing I hear and not what they say.

And all the bad of the world is proof of the futile struggle. Lives are short and painful and death just brings more pain. I sometimes wonder if it would be better to never exist in the first place. Loss hurts but you can’t lose what you never had.

I feel guilty that I have a loving partner. I think I trapped him. This is all in my head, he really loves me a lot and I deserve it, but my brain is telling me I don’t. My brain is telling me I’m pathetic and miserable. That I’m annoying and a leech, that I forced him to love me.

I don’t want to feel like this. But the negative thoughts are overpowering me. Every positive is subdued by incessant negative thoughts.

I am learning more about the biology and psychology and spirituality of depression and treatment. I intellectually know the reality but eventually it gets too hard to think logically. I know depression isn’t weakness, eventually I will feel better, and there is much more to life than the heavy sorrow I feel right now.

I won’t give up, even if I feel like I want to.

so...yeah,

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3 Comments

  1. S. on February 3, 2018 at 2:52 pm

    Thank you so much, Kristance. You are helping me to understand my partner, who seems to be haunted by similar feelings and thought patterns, a little better. Maybe I can be a slightly better partner for him (not so angry!) knowing a little more about what it feels like to be him when he is suffering.

    • Kristance Harlow on February 4, 2018 at 1:50 pm

      Thank you for telling me that. It is why I do this work. I am grateful it is helping you expand you understanding of these difficult experiences.

  2. Chosura on January 24, 2018 at 2:07 pm

    LOL “Self centered???” Outrageous! If a person is flailing on the side of a boat; in fact drowning it would be perfectly rational to not be able to see anything else in that moment but that “ringed donut,…the life buoy, that hopefully someone is tossing out to you! There is so such ignorance or even INTEREST about mental health and depression! Yet, if one is physically disabled, and I do not wish to diminish anyone with that experience, except to say from experience that in THIS day and age – most in society respond often with immeasurable empathy and understanding of someone challenged by a form of physical paralysis. That said, as someone who has experienced depression most of my life, and in MY case related to the tremendous sexual assault I experienced as a child, and despite a lifetime of self-examination AFTER giving up alcohol and drugs, self-examination has liberated and empowered me in numerous ways!!! Saved my life! However, I am also deeply grateful for the sanctuary within….that we all carry with us wherever we are, that place of quiet and peace and deep knowing; the grace and reprieve I experience in my daily meditation. It may not always remove my depression, but it does help me at least KNOW at a deep level when I do not or cannot feel that my depression is NOT ME ! Thanks again for sharing your life and experience, Kristance!

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