I’m in Cozumel. It’s my first time here. I’m lying on a towel in my black and white retro high waisted bikini–lathered in sunscreen, of course–already dry from a long swim in the ocean.
Now that I’m here, I really want a drink, but Alejandro won’t let me. I’m so nervous and anxious. Lost. My thoughts are circling, and I can’t stop the spiraling repetitiveness of my obsessions. I’m afraid.
I second guess everything that I choose to do. No matter what it is. Why can’t I chill out and just do something? I’m just trying to understand anxiety.
What I’m here to say is that “feeling depressed” is a different beast than “having depression.” Depression is a diagnosable medical condition and a disorder in the DSM-V. It affects many more aspects of life than just emotional. Some symptoms can severely impact the quality of life for people with it.
My depression is really bad lately. I find everything meaningless. I don’t even feel happy in a quiet bit of nature. I hate having depression.
It was the longest period of time I have gone without a psychologist appointment since I first began treatment three and a half years ago. And I was getting weird, real weird.
Depression isn’t weakness, but I don’t feel strong. Depression is clawing her way back into my consciousness. Usually she dwells in a spot hidden away, and when I put her back she stays there for a while. This time, it’s like the lock is broken and she is not staying put.
I allowed a seed of anxiety to grow and take roots in other parts of my psyche. It is kind of like when a tree brings water up through its roots to nurture itself, only in a much more fucked up and non-poetic kind of way.
Today depression came up again. Buoyed by shorter daylight filled hours, the negative number in my bank account, an unrelenting sick feeling of headache, stomach pain, and mainly my brain and body reverting to default state.
I still don’t like speaking of it, of this fear, I don’t want people to become intrusive about me. I don’t want the worry of people who don’t understand because they’ve never felt this way.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number. The numbers listed here are the commonly used numbers for the stated region, the numbers can vary greatly depending on where you live. If you don't know your country's equivalent to 911, this wiki page and The Lifeline Foundation have comprehensive listings.
911
The Americas
112
Europe
112 & 999
Africa
112, 999, 110
Asia
112, 911, 999, 111, & 000
Oceania
Find help for a crisis by texting, calling, or chatting online with these free crisis organizations. Looking for one outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.
Crisis Text Line
Text: “HOME” to 741741
Suicide Lifeline
Text: “ANSWER” to 839863
Call: 1-800-273-8255
Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-422-4453
The Trevor Project
Text “START” to 678678
1-866-488-7386
These online and international resources may help you anywhere you are located. Looking for local support outside of the USA? Check out our support listings.
DV Support Abroad
Call toll-free worldwide
1-833-723-3833
I'm Alive Virtual Crisis Center
Live chat with trained volunteers
Crisis Connections
24/7 crisis support with interpretation in 155+ languages